People have asked me why do I not make my own videos and post them on fridays. Have you seen my schedule? Between work and school there is zero time. There are songs I would love to make videos for. I don't want to get into the vid/podcast arena. Then you guys would realize that I am not nearly as interesting as you think. In addition I have no desire to be Daniel Tosh. If you don't know who that is, I can't help ya. One day we may get to that point but right now I am perfectly happy leaching off of other peoples hard work.
Funny things happened today but I am distracted by hockey. On with the shoe:
Now that you are juiced I will give you the chance to bow out gracefully and enjoy your day. Stick around for two amazing clips if ya want.
Found this gem hidden in the depths of YouTube. If you don't like Alison Krauss, Shawn Culvin, or Union Station I am pretty sure I don't want to know you
Another hidden gem. this goes along with the whole theme of the month. do not forget Valentines Day. February 14th! That's a sunday.
Kisses
Dan
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bus Trip
I promised that I would blog about what happened on the bus to Shreveport. I have a corned beef with cabbage in the crock pot. Here goes.
First I must explain what happened on game night. We normally have game night at Scotts on Thursday night. I showed up at six and they were well into two games of Yahtzee. Scott was really quiet. Very unlike him. Our friendly Ashley Rhone always has something to say. Jerry was being his usual punk-ass, so I thought nothing of it. Until Jerry mouthed off one too many times and Scott laid into him. again nothing unusual. Game night ended and I couldn't help but think how sullen Scott had been.
Showed up at Jesse's around 7:45 on saturday. As we were packing the car Scott told me he broke up with Jerry after SEVENTEEN YEARS. I can understand why but it seems like a lot of time invested. He deserves someone who treats him better. Jerry still has my copy of the sixth Harry potter book. We got situated and on the road about 9:15. Jesse was like some kind of roided up boy scout. He was super prepared. Sandwiches, chex mix, apples, soda, etc. They put in 'The Sweetest Thing' on the DVD player. Let me just say:
I was gonna save that for friday but figured, what the hell. Eric was trying to get people to come participate in The Courts Valentines Day fundraiser. At first I agreed. then I looked up at the daggers Jesse was shooting me. To be honest I would rather spend Valentines with him than doing a drag show. Here is a great idea for a fundraiser. By all means anybody can steal this.
Surf and Turf Gala. Think 'Gay Prom' but with edible romantical type food stuffs. At that point if you could get everything lined up, then decide if you want to have a drag show. Personally, I have never slow danced with my baby. For those of you who have seen my dancing abilities, slow dancing is as good as I can dance. I would buy a ticket for that and I can bet I know a few Fort Worth hotels that would be happy to host.
When we got to Harrahs they gave us ten free dollars in slot play and we got free buffet after thirty minutes of play. I spent my free money figuring out how to play the penny slots. One of our party came by and told me everyone was going to the buffet. I had been playing for almost an hour. Jesse and Scott had already gotten plates and a small booth. I decided to sit with people I don't get to see very often. All the food was bad for you and huge portions. In the asian area they had this stuff that was bright red and might have been sweet and sour pork. It had no flavor but i ate it anyway. This decision will come back to haunt me. After I ate I sat and chatted with Jesse and Scott.
Back in the casino time flew by. I broke even as they were calling us to get back on the bus. The casino was doing a 'lottery' to get a number they swiped your card. One of the girls in our party won $100 in slot play. They thought you could just put them in the machine and cash them out. WRONG!!!! We waited for them to play it all. This made us late leaving.
Shortly past the middle of nowhere and halfway through 27 Dresses, my lunch attacked my GI tract. If you have never tried to use the bathroom in a moving vehicle, I wouldn't recomend it. Nobody warned me we were going to stop. So I am trying in vain to wipe as the bus is stopping. It did clear out my bowel. I now know why there are handles in those toilets. It's not for leverage.
Another bus trip should be happening in May or June.
If I have never mentioned it before I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Adam Sandler. They put in The Wedding Singer for the last hour of the trip. Drew Berrymore's natural charm is the only thing that makes that film watchable.
We left at 9:15 and got home at 11:30. I sat on my ass for most of that time and I was exhausted the next day and am still trying to recover fully.
The happiness should be up late thursday night. I am going to explain why I don't make my own videos.
Kisses
Dan
First I must explain what happened on game night. We normally have game night at Scotts on Thursday night. I showed up at six and they were well into two games of Yahtzee. Scott was really quiet. Very unlike him. Our friendly Ashley Rhone always has something to say. Jerry was being his usual punk-ass, so I thought nothing of it. Until Jerry mouthed off one too many times and Scott laid into him. again nothing unusual. Game night ended and I couldn't help but think how sullen Scott had been.
Showed up at Jesse's around 7:45 on saturday. As we were packing the car Scott told me he broke up with Jerry after SEVENTEEN YEARS. I can understand why but it seems like a lot of time invested. He deserves someone who treats him better. Jerry still has my copy of the sixth Harry potter book. We got situated and on the road about 9:15. Jesse was like some kind of roided up boy scout. He was super prepared. Sandwiches, chex mix, apples, soda, etc. They put in 'The Sweetest Thing' on the DVD player. Let me just say:
I was gonna save that for friday but figured, what the hell. Eric was trying to get people to come participate in The Courts Valentines Day fundraiser. At first I agreed. then I looked up at the daggers Jesse was shooting me. To be honest I would rather spend Valentines with him than doing a drag show. Here is a great idea for a fundraiser. By all means anybody can steal this.
Surf and Turf Gala. Think 'Gay Prom' but with edible romantical type food stuffs. At that point if you could get everything lined up, then decide if you want to have a drag show. Personally, I have never slow danced with my baby. For those of you who have seen my dancing abilities, slow dancing is as good as I can dance. I would buy a ticket for that and I can bet I know a few Fort Worth hotels that would be happy to host.
When we got to Harrahs they gave us ten free dollars in slot play and we got free buffet after thirty minutes of play. I spent my free money figuring out how to play the penny slots. One of our party came by and told me everyone was going to the buffet. I had been playing for almost an hour. Jesse and Scott had already gotten plates and a small booth. I decided to sit with people I don't get to see very often. All the food was bad for you and huge portions. In the asian area they had this stuff that was bright red and might have been sweet and sour pork. It had no flavor but i ate it anyway. This decision will come back to haunt me. After I ate I sat and chatted with Jesse and Scott.
Back in the casino time flew by. I broke even as they were calling us to get back on the bus. The casino was doing a 'lottery' to get a number they swiped your card. One of the girls in our party won $100 in slot play. They thought you could just put them in the machine and cash them out. WRONG!!!! We waited for them to play it all. This made us late leaving.
Shortly past the middle of nowhere and halfway through 27 Dresses, my lunch attacked my GI tract. If you have never tried to use the bathroom in a moving vehicle, I wouldn't recomend it. Nobody warned me we were going to stop. So I am trying in vain to wipe as the bus is stopping. It did clear out my bowel. I now know why there are handles in those toilets. It's not for leverage.
Another bus trip should be happening in May or June.
If I have never mentioned it before I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Adam Sandler. They put in The Wedding Singer for the last hour of the trip. Drew Berrymore's natural charm is the only thing that makes that film watchable.
We left at 9:15 and got home at 11:30. I sat on my ass for most of that time and I was exhausted the next day and am still trying to recover fully.
The happiness should be up late thursday night. I am going to explain why I don't make my own videos.
Kisses
Dan
Friday, January 22, 2010
Exhausted
Made it back to the gym this week. Still very sore. My microbiology instructor is 26. TWENTY SIX with a masters degree! Makes me feel like a slacker with fun stories of $5 pitchers, karaoke, and naked pool parties.
Funny story. Lost my favorite toy. Suzanne got it for me on my twenty-fifth birthday. I have gotten kind of arrogant. Leaving my 'me time' supplies just laying anywhere. The toy went missing. It's not one of those things you can announce. Like the junkie who looses his stash. You just buy more. Which is what I did. Stockroom.com is having a winter sale. Bought myself a silver bullet. No, I am not talking about Coors Light. It is a little larger than I am used to. Got it for a song so who am I to complain.
I made a bet with a classmate over the Texas/Alabama game. This was over winter break. He and I had micro together on wednesday. I lost so I had to wear an Alabama hat. Digging through my bureaus top drawer looking for the hat I found the toy I thought I had lost. Now I have an arsenal.
Moving forward:
Keeping with the whole idea of not letting you forget Valentines Day, here is a lesbian.
My Favorite radio station is presenting their annual festival type concert on March 21st. That's the last day of spring break and the only thing I plan on doing on spring break. Wanna come!?!?!
http://www.khyi.com/ That's where you can find concert details.
Kisses
Dan
Funny story. Lost my favorite toy. Suzanne got it for me on my twenty-fifth birthday. I have gotten kind of arrogant. Leaving my 'me time' supplies just laying anywhere. The toy went missing. It's not one of those things you can announce. Like the junkie who looses his stash. You just buy more. Which is what I did. Stockroom.com is having a winter sale. Bought myself a silver bullet. No, I am not talking about Coors Light. It is a little larger than I am used to. Got it for a song so who am I to complain.
I made a bet with a classmate over the Texas/Alabama game. This was over winter break. He and I had micro together on wednesday. I lost so I had to wear an Alabama hat. Digging through my bureaus top drawer looking for the hat I found the toy I thought I had lost. Now I have an arsenal.
Moving forward:
Keeping with the whole idea of not letting you forget Valentines Day, here is a lesbian.
My Favorite radio station is presenting their annual festival type concert on March 21st. That's the last day of spring break and the only thing I plan on doing on spring break. Wanna come!?!?!
http://www.khyi.com/ That's where you can find concert details.
Kisses
Dan
Thursday, January 14, 2010
A Continuing Trend
I know the rules as well as anyone. Never post the same thing twice. I wasn't planning on it. We are trying to save some cash so the cable has been suspended. Thank the powers that be that I recorded a bunch of movies on the TiVo before that happened.
Saw Watchmen. After reading the comics in the mid nineties I was not impressed. If you are unfamiliar with the work it is a good sedative. If you have a thing for superhero flicks give it a try. This was the book that changed the costume hero business forever......FOREVER! Too bad it is a decade too late in it's release.
Race to Witch Mountain was.......How should I put this for you people. It would help fertilize some lovely vegetation or flora.
DeLovoley was better than I expected it to be. Hell it was better than it really had any right to be. Ashley Judd proved she could do serious dramatic acting. Kevin Klein also pulled off some good stuff. Cole Porter was a whore by the way.
Two things I don't like about blogging here. I don't have a hit count. Haven't figured out how to get notification of comments. Anybody who could help that would be greatly appreciated.
A serious question. Should I continue the Life Lessons or was that a good place to stop?
On with the shoe.
The next time I do drag I am thinking of doing this song. May remix it though.
A severely under-rated artists
I want to end with 'Ol Blue Eyes'. Keepin that Valentines thing in your heads.
Kisses
Dan
Saw Watchmen. After reading the comics in the mid nineties I was not impressed. If you are unfamiliar with the work it is a good sedative. If you have a thing for superhero flicks give it a try. This was the book that changed the costume hero business forever......FOREVER! Too bad it is a decade too late in it's release.
Race to Witch Mountain was.......How should I put this for you people. It would help fertilize some lovely vegetation or flora.
DeLovoley was better than I expected it to be. Hell it was better than it really had any right to be. Ashley Judd proved she could do serious dramatic acting. Kevin Klein also pulled off some good stuff. Cole Porter was a whore by the way.
Two things I don't like about blogging here. I don't have a hit count. Haven't figured out how to get notification of comments. Anybody who could help that would be greatly appreciated.
A serious question. Should I continue the Life Lessons or was that a good place to stop?
On with the shoe.
The next time I do drag I am thinking of doing this song. May remix it though.
A severely under-rated artists
I want to end with 'Ol Blue Eyes'. Keepin that Valentines thing in your heads.
Kisses
Dan
Monday, January 11, 2010
I Would Like Everyone To Be Civil Unioned
Before I post the list let's talk about marriage. Was sitting in the break room staurday minding my business. We have a lawn and garden associate who never got out of that teenage girl phase. What I mean by that is she thinks if she stops talking she may die. Sitting across the table from one of our produce associates. This girl is very feminine despite the lesbian haircut and the lesbian earrings. I know she is a dyke and we try and talk in code. The lawn and garden associate just starts babbling about gay marriage and religion. Her opinion doesn't hold water. You can't just say you support it in front of the gay people without a reason.
I glanced over at the produce associate and smirked. She looked horrified. Myself I don't care if everybody knows but she is still young and cares what other people think. "Here's the thing, marriage is defined as a religious ceremony wherein a father sells off his daughter with a binding legal contract. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be sold to anyone. I just want the same rights that go with that contract. I would actually prefer it if people stopped calling it marriage. Civil Union or just a union is fine by me."
That got the lawn and garden girl off of gay marriage and ranting about how chauvinistic marriage is. If the gay marriage argument leads to this argument I can handle that.
Are you ready?
I said ARE YOU READY?!?!?
Well too bad. A quick disclaimer. Please do not repost this. I have been accumulating this list for over thirteen years. If you start from the beginning and go to the end you can see the maturation of a human male. Anyhow, enjoy and bon appetite
Life Lessons
Life Lessons:
0) If there is an easy way to do something, do it that way.
1) If it smells like feces and looks like feces. Get the hell out of the way before it hits the fan.
2) Always take the blame if it is your fault. It shows maturity.
3) If for some reason you can’t remember what city you’re in, put the beer down.
4) DPS officers have no known sense of humor.
5) When you can’t see over the dashboard. It’s time to stop driving.
6) Coffee does not sober up a drunk. EVER!
7) Playing Metallica at loud volumes around someone who is hung over gives them every right to disembowel you and call it justifiable homicide.
8) Smile and nod. Even if you don’t understand, it at least gives the illusion of consciousness.
9) There are no such things as yes and no answers. Everything has its own complexity.
10) Human sexuality will never be fully explained.
11) There is a way to push everyone’s buttons. Find it and do not abuse the power.
12) If the town has a Walmart and a Whataburger it automatically gets upgraded to city status, thus making it okay to stop and ask stupid questions.
13) To each his own. Just keep yours to yourself.
14) Some people should not be allowed the privilege of being naked.
15) Everyone is allowed to be right at least once. Some people are just hogging the privilege.
16) Unless you’re Gandhi or Jesus, you are not perfect.
17) Accept other people’s mistakes. We all make them.
18) Anyone who won’t kiss you after you have given them oral sex is not worth keeping.
19) Everyone has at least one fetish. Find yours and have fun with it.
20) Ignorance is curable. Stupid is permanent.
21) Be careful! Stupid people are everywhere. And they’re multiplying.
22) No matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough for some people.
23) Take your time. Do a job the right way once.
24) Mental instability is no excuse for ignorance.
25) The rules are for everyone. Be an individual somewhere else.
26) Everyone loves a contortionist.
27) Breasts are a universal language we all love.
28) Flattery will get you everywhere (in the South).
29) A man who wears many hats is covering up something. Usually a bald spot.
30) Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Unless you’re into watersports.
31) If you continue to pass the buck, you will end up with it again.
32) Sports clichés are never to be used as sexual euphemisms.
33) People only have one thing in common. We breathe.
34) There is a karma fairy. Try your best not to piss her off.
35) If you stole your philosophy on life from a fictional character. You need to get out more.
36) Grace and elegance are usually used on the wrong people.
37) Common sense and common courtesy are not just turns of phrase.
38) If you smile at someone else’s pain that is okay. Laughing makes you cruel.
39) Jealousy is a waste of energy.
40) Be comfortable with yourself, because masturbation will someday be an olympic sport.
41) Be nice to children. They get to pick your retirement plan.
42) Everything has a place. Put it back where you found it. And if that’s my wallet stand still while I kick your ass!
43) Words are very powerful things. A single comment can be the equivalent of a punch in the gut or a good long hug.
44) Queers go to bars. Dykes have house parties.
45) If you know what you want, be assertive yet kind. It’s a hard line to tread, but you will be satisfied.
46) Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes you get exactly what you asked for.
47) Be polite. Trim below the waist line.
48- If you want an honest opinion, ask a stranger.
49- Never underestimate the power of control-top pantyhose.
50- Life is always more interesting from the bottom of a bottle.
51-(more of a statement) R-But you hate people. D-But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?
52- Once you are addicted to something you are always addicted. The times between using just get further apart.
53- Sometimes not showing up, is showing up.
54- Murphy’s Law can come into effect at any time. As many times a day as it wants to. Be prepared.
55- The men who say they need a manual to understand woman, need that pill for adult ADD.
56- Be judgmental in your own head. I don’t have time for hate.
57- No one appreciates a drunken phone call at two in the morning. Especially one of your exes.
58- The ability to amuse yourself is a lost art.
59- We all live in glass houses. Keep the stones as far away as you can.
60- Never plan anything. Always improvise.
61- Cheesecake + Beer + Football= White Trash Paradise
62- In a pinch use what you got. Some of the most creative moments come when you have nothing.
63- If you can’t say something nice. Join the group. Membership has it’s rewards.
64- You’re parents have to love you by law. I have a car and deadly weapons at my disposal. And I don’t!
65- Go with your gut. That rumbling is not always a sign that you’re hungry
66- Absolutely under no circumstances should you ask a cranky woman if it is that time of the month.
67- Never trust anyone who speaks in sports metaphors and wears a tie to work.
68- Talking out of your ass will get a shoe lodged in there.
69- The person who doesn’t think about sex, is dead.
70- Opinions are like assholes. Most of them are awful.
71- If you are what you eat. That explains the current state of physical fitness in this country
72- Certain things don’t mix well. Keep them separate.
73- Jalapenos + Ulcer = A bottle of Maalox
74- Silence is golden, now take your hand off the baby’s mouth.
75- Tryptophan does not make you sleepy. It just makes you lose your attention span to the point where only sleep will cure the effects.
76- Know your role, and shut your mouth!
77- If you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.
78- The ability to find your bathroom in the dark is a skill that should be a college elective.
79- God always listens. Especially when you’re adrenaline is pumping.
80- Christmas is for children. This does not give you license to act like one.
81- If you ever need a pick me up, think of the people you didn’t marry.
82- Hope is what keeps us alive.
83- I’ll forget what you said if you do the same for me!
84- Hating someone for the color of their skin is no better than hating a retard for not being able to do long division.
85- Farting in public is not entertainment. Snicker about it in the bathroom.
86- Diversify thy self and you will be happy being your own friend
87- Dress size appropriate or we will mock you.
88- You know it’s gonna be a good day when you start drinking before noon?
89- Lighten up. Your ulcers will thank you.
90- The deepest emotional wounds we receive, are self- inflicted.
91- Memory Lane is a two way street. Take a stroll but don’t forget to come back.
92- There is no right answer a man can give a hormonal woman. Just wrong and even more wrong.
93- If you can’t laugh at yourself. Do it behind the deaf guys back.
94- True insight comes from within.
95- If it was ugly at the garage sale. Nothing will change once you get it home.
96- Remember he was mine first. Don’t hurt him too bad.
97- When you get lost open your eyes and enjoy where you are for a moment. Because guaranteed you’ve never been there before.
98- One night stands should come with instant litigation
99- Hormones are the number one cause of weight gain
100- A good night’s sleep will fix almost anything.
101- Truth is often misheard as cynicism
102- The person who drinks alone is looking for something. Usually a friend. Go over and be friendly.
103- The most idiotic thing to worry about is money. They print more every day.
104- Time makes fools of us all
105- FOUR MONTHS!!! Is she insane!
106- You can force me to work long hours, but you can’t make me like it.
107- There are times in life we all just want to be left alone
108- Some children should come with custom fitted gags and restraints.
109- The two most insecure creatures on the planet are a newly shaved animal and a man
110-If a brilliant man is a rose. That must make me crab grass.
111- Never complain about a meal you didn’t have to cook.
112- If you have a story stuck inside you, let the world know. Any way you can.
113- A promise made while intoxicated is automatically null and void.
114- Life is mostly attitude and timing
115- The rest comes down to weddings, death and fear.-Amy Ray
116- Republicans fine if you’re a multi-millionaire. Democrats great if all you own is what you wear.- Frank Zappa
117- People who practice yoga just want to be able to kiss their own ass.
118- Faster horses. Younger (wo)men. Older whiskey and more money.-Tom T Hall
119- Take a vacation from your cell phone. It will improve your mood.
120- The second time around is never the same.
121- There is a difference between saying something and having something to say.- John Christopher Davis
122- It’s a buyers market when you sell your soul.
123- It’s all downhill when you start pining for the past.
124- How to destroy a kitchen...Mix two mentally ill people and a gas stove. Sell popcorn.
125- The person afraid of life, doesn’t ever really live.
126- Pain is a daily thing. Learn to embrace it.
127- A wise man is aware of how little he knows.
128- Screams and whispers are not effective communication.
129- Be thankful for all the things you DON’T have.
130- Speed up. Slow down. Or get out of the way!
131- If it seems too good to be true. It is!
132- Infinite patience always runs out at some point.
133- Certain things can not be avoided.
134- Grin and bear it.
135- An avoider is a good distraction.
136- An intelligent person talks through a problem. A wise person listens until the solution becomes clear.
137- If you try and cut off a semi truck, they will win.
138- Give people the opportunity to surprise you.
139- We try and simplify the complicated and complicate the simple.
140- When you know it is a bad day don’t try and turn it around. Just ride it out.
141- Just because you know what it means doesn’t mean you know how to spell it.
142- Being a fool is one thing. Not knowing you’re a fool is uncalled for.
143- Yes! Size does matter.
144- The dead bolt. Man’s first instant pain reliever.
145- Play with a mans mind and you’ll get your hands dirty.
146- Play with a woman’s heart and you’ll get cut.
147- Everyone has a price.
148- A pat on the back is only six inches from a kick in the pants.- Bobby Heenan
149- When you have nothing, there is nothing to lose.
150- Treats are supposed to be good things.
151- Do no harm!!!!
152- No one has ever been hurt without a reason.
153- When life gives you lemons, do like the Italians. Make liqueur.
154- A good cry is sometimes the only remedy.
155- If you are not going to be helpful, f*&k off!
156- Highlighting your hair is not always a good idea.
157- If it tastes good.......F*ck it! Eat it anyway.
158- There is a reason you only get one opportunity at most things.
159- Chipper people suck. Often, too .That’s why they act like that.
160- My truck is paid for and I need a new one. Don’t make me hit you.
161- I’m mostly evil with a side of cheesecake.
162- Time to pull out the sweatpants. Is never a phrase you want to hear your lover say. Unless it’s Thanksgiving.
163- Murphy’s Law hates me!
164- If you have nothing to complain about give me the rest of those valium!
165- The only thing that stays the same is change.
166- Love isn’t love until you give it away.- John Christopher Davis
167- If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I’d be doing it.- Radney Foster
168- I have found my center. It wants Pop Tarts!
169- Never fool yourself into thinking you have the answers.
170- The trick is living without an answer...........I think.
171- Love is holding on to the one person who finds your faults adorable.
172- Grace is not a learned attribute. It is thrust upon us with our failures.
173- Love is the only thing that defeats hate.
174- Those with no sense of direction are doomed to a life of adventure.
175- Acupuncturists’ should not be named Dave
176- Failure is inevitable.
177- Laze is making clearing out the TiVo, an all day task.
178- Only the curious have something to find.
179- The difference between men and boys, is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.- Guy Clark
180- If we all spent more time worrying about our own business, we wouldn’t have any time to meddle in other peoples.- Hank Williams Sr.
181- Faith is tested on a daily basis. Remember to recharge your faith with prayer.
182- Pathetic= Two people begging for the same thing from each other
183- Pain is pleasure, if it’s all you know.- Carter Albrecht
185- Honor does not pay by the hour.
186- You can paint stripes on a billygoat and call it a tiger if that floats your boat. And we will let you. Snickering behind your back while we let you.- Dallas Wayne
187- If you trust a man at his word alone, that puts two more fools in the pile.
188- Food should be edible.
189- Naked= No clothes. Nekid= Naked with trouble in mind. Butt Nekid= Nekid and having lots of fun doing it.- Mark David Manders
190- Some people are always looking for new kinds of mistakes to make.
191- The less a man has to say, the more words he uses saying it.
192- Stating the obvious is a poor substitute for flattery.
193- A fool never sees what they miss. The wise never miss what the fools don’t see.
194- It’s not the cards you are dealt. It’s how you play your hand.- Radney Foster
195- The cure should never be worse than the disease.
196- If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
197- Once an addict. Always an addict.
198- The only problem a gun ever solved would be that pesky thing we call breathing.
199- Toys are always more fun to play with if they are not yours.
200- Laugh with the sinners or cry with the saints. You can’t do both.- Billy Joel
201- Parental choices are made by little people’s voices.
202- Dressing up some people is like putting mag wheels on a dump truck.
203- There is an endless line of assholes. Aim to be in the other queue.
204- Tragedy will always bring people closer.
205- Regrets are mistakes come back to haunt you.
206- Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey.- Jerry Jeff Walker
207- Measure twice, cut once.
208- There are many things more binding than sex. They last longer, too.- Armistead Maupin
209- Verbal fraud is worse than monetary fraud.
210- Truth is always patient.
211- Love and death are the only two forces in the universe that do not discriminate.
212- Wisdom is born from despair.
213- There is no known fully effective cure for a broken heart.
214- Failure is always an option.
215- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
216- Experience and expertise have little to do with each other.
217- If it aint broke, don’t fix it.
218- Know your limits.
219- Never give up.
220- When a mirror is held up to our lives, rarely are we content with what we see.
221- Some times the only thing you can count on, is your fingers- Merle Haggard
222- Passion is half impossibility.- Susan Werner
223- The more you exercise the muscle between your ears. The less you have to work the muscles attached to your spine.- Delbert McClinton
224- Forgiveness always has a price.
225- Arrogance and ignorance are often a lethal combination.
226- Don’t let the hate around you make you hateful.- Bayard Rustin
227- Grief and pain make you forget the rules we are expected to play by.
228- Bitch a little. It will make you feel better.
229- When you try and produce for the masses you homogenize to the point of lacking uniqueness.
230- We must first be civil to ourselves and others before we can expect the same treatment form others.
231- For every action there is an equal reaction.
232- To forgive is easy. Forgetting is sometimes impossible.
233- To be human is to be a voyeur.
234- Facts do not care what you think of them.
235- Violence can not do away with violence.
236- Faith is constantly in flux.
237- Emotional pain is always more excruciating than any kind of physical pain.
238- Of all the mistakes we have made, the biggest are yet to come.
239: Only in suffering do we recognize beauty- Proust
240- When you are in the gutter (physically, emotionally, or financially) never forget to look up at the stars. The best view is usual from there.-(bastardized) Oscar Wilde
241- Pushing your luck does not count as exercise. - Willie Nelson
242- Put as much of yourself into everything you can. -Selena Martinez
243- Refuse to sit through something awful twice. - Cassy Nova
244- Don’t give your money to a bitch that is gonna waste it. - Kelexis Davenport
245- Fuck them bitches if it makes you happy and they don’t get it! - Whitney Paige.
246- Own it!- Edna Jean Robinson
247- Support the people you love and adore- Onyx.
248- Planting seeds of love will benefit everyone who gets joy from the flowers they produce.- Valerie Lohr
249- Some kinds of ugly can not be fixed by anything. - Candi Carroll
250- Responsibility does not stop in the bedroom or on the highway. It is something you should factor into everything you do. At all times everyday! - The Queen of The Rose Room Ms Donna Day
251- I love an audience, it enhances the humiliation.
252- The things that impact your life the most are usually accidental.
253- It is easier to change the world with quality baked goods than it is with laws.
254- People always have opinions and advice for the loser.
255- Healthy relationships are held together by the little things that don't happen.
256- Everyone does charity for selfish reasons. Usually to clear their conscience.
257- One mans convict is another mans brother.
258- Philosophy is bullshit spouted by naive young men and old men with nothing better to say.
259- When you're a child the only thing you need to visit exotic locales is a good imagination. When you get older it requires credit cards.
260- Love makes hunters of us all
261- Why hate when there is so much more to love?
262- Cheating to win is a sure sign of cowardice and lack of talent.
263- Spare the rod and the whole world will want to beat your child for you.
264- Boys are vexing creatures
265- A touch of class equals a pound of pretentiousness.
266- Before you react to what someone has to say, always consider the source.
267- Shit happens! Deal with it the best way you can.
268- The search for roots is for people unsure of their place
269- Everybody needs to grow up and leave home at some point, but sometimes home doesn't like it.
270- Want what you want but don't want what you can't have. - Me
271- There is a sucker born every second. - PT Barnum
272- When people need love and understanding the most is usually when they deserve it the least- Lou Holtz
273- Peace is often the absence of justice. - Jesse Jackson
274- If you ever expect to win you must first refuse to loose. - Rich Brooks
275- There are very few things in life worth being afraid of. – Me
276- Even if only temporary, all problems have a simple solution. – Me
277- The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a nap every day. –Me
278- Adversity, not necessity is the mother of invention.
279- Unless you want to lose your S.O., never refer to them as your 'any port in a storm'. – Dan Savage
280- Only the ignorant can truly be blissful.
281- Simple pleasures keep people from shooting each other.
282- Wrong actions done for the right reason are still wrong.
283- Anger and hate are jealousy's shadows.
284- In the end everyone gets exactly what they deserve.
285- Proper Grammar is a privilege not a right.
286- Truth is a beautiful and terrible thing. It should therefore be treated with extreme caution.
287- We are shaped not by genetics or a tyrannical feudal system but by the obstacles and prejudices we must overcome
288- Always make a memorable entrance.
289- The guy with the most clothes on is usually in charge.
290- Ability and potential can only get you so far.
291- The proper attitude is what gets your foot in the door.
292- To be the man. You have to beat the man.(Wooooooooo!!!!!)
293- The right look with no talent will not guarantee you employment
294- The good (usually)die young
295- The smallest guy in the fight is usually the most talented but for some reason labeled the underdog.
296- Size is simply a number.
297- Never let anything (including plane crashes, back surgery, and broken necks) stand in the way of your passion.
298- Bringing your kids to work is a bad idea.
299- Eventually EVERYBODY has to pay the piper
300- If you have talent, ability, and a good attitude you can work for as long as you want.
301- Never underestimate a wiley veteran
302- If you are not doing everything you can to win, including bending the rules, you aren’t trying hard enough.
303- All facts are useful. It's just the context that shifts
304- Labels are for cans not people
305- Reality. It's not for everyone!
306- Knowledge = Fear
308- "The problem with Mexico is that everything is in Spanish."- Latina Gym Bunny
309- When you try to take something you couldn't afford if it was free, you'll get burned like stealing electricity.- Tom Russell
310- Homosexuality is natural. Religion is completely man made.
311- Folk Singers know nothing about swinging hammers
312- Hope lies in bravery
313-Happiness should always be random
314- People with 'types' usually don't have anyone
315- Stress is 90% of how you deal with life
316- The character of a person is truly revealed on their fourth try. -James A Michner
317- Happiness is usually found when not perusing it.- Madame Wu
318- Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.
319- Never work with children, puppies, or bulimics
320- Raising your voice is the next best thing to actually being right.
321- Never question love. Some of the strangest combinations are often the deepest bonds.
322- There is nothing to loose if you give it away.
323- It is always better to be loved than feared.
324- If you are indispensable, you are also unpromotable.
325- Adventure requires lubrication because as rational people we would never do sober what we would most certainly do after a few drinks.
326- Victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
327- The people who make us happy are rarely the ones other people would expect.
328- Bran Flakes and two cups of coffee make for an explosive morning.
329- Violence only brings temporary relief from hopelessness
330- (Lifted from Suz) You should have to be old enough to fight and die for your country before being allowed purple grape juice or any other stain causing beverage.
331- The tragically hip will always have to explain themselves to those who are not.
332- When you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras.
333- For someone to be successful they must be the master of their fate and the captain of their soul.- Nelson Mandella
334- Sometimes questions are a danger to you and a burden to others.
335- Nothing says love like a homemade gift. UNfortunately nothing says cheapskate like a homemade gift either. It depends on your age and crafting abilities.- Tim Gunn
336- No force of nature or act of god can match the power of a mothers love.
337- Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
338- The thing about 'Trial by Fire' is it has two outcomes. Success or burn victim.
339- Anything is possible. It’s explaining that’s the tricky part.
340- There are many things worth killing for. Jewels, vengeance, Father O’Malleys weed wacker. There is only one thing worth dying for.
341- There are no such things as inappropriate questions, just people who are easily offended.
342- Used to be , are the three saddest words when put next to each other.
343- Dogs are creatures designed for people with boundless energy, endless patience and optimistic outlooks.
344- Cats are creatures that play soccer well and warm feet.
345- Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer.- John the Baptist
346- Wal*Mart where social decorum goes to die.
347- Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
348- Have courage for the great struggles of life and patience for the small ones.- Victor Hugo
349- Marketing is not about what it is. It’s all about what it can be made to look like.
350- May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again may you be blessed.
I glanced over at the produce associate and smirked. She looked horrified. Myself I don't care if everybody knows but she is still young and cares what other people think. "Here's the thing, marriage is defined as a religious ceremony wherein a father sells off his daughter with a binding legal contract. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be sold to anyone. I just want the same rights that go with that contract. I would actually prefer it if people stopped calling it marriage. Civil Union or just a union is fine by me."
That got the lawn and garden girl off of gay marriage and ranting about how chauvinistic marriage is. If the gay marriage argument leads to this argument I can handle that.
Are you ready?
I said ARE YOU READY?!?!?
Well too bad. A quick disclaimer. Please do not repost this. I have been accumulating this list for over thirteen years. If you start from the beginning and go to the end you can see the maturation of a human male. Anyhow, enjoy and bon appetite
Life Lessons
Life Lessons:
0) If there is an easy way to do something, do it that way.
1) If it smells like feces and looks like feces. Get the hell out of the way before it hits the fan.
2) Always take the blame if it is your fault. It shows maturity.
3) If for some reason you can’t remember what city you’re in, put the beer down.
4) DPS officers have no known sense of humor.
5) When you can’t see over the dashboard. It’s time to stop driving.
6) Coffee does not sober up a drunk. EVER!
7) Playing Metallica at loud volumes around someone who is hung over gives them every right to disembowel you and call it justifiable homicide.
8) Smile and nod. Even if you don’t understand, it at least gives the illusion of consciousness.
9) There are no such things as yes and no answers. Everything has its own complexity.
10) Human sexuality will never be fully explained.
11) There is a way to push everyone’s buttons. Find it and do not abuse the power.
12) If the town has a Walmart and a Whataburger it automatically gets upgraded to city status, thus making it okay to stop and ask stupid questions.
13) To each his own. Just keep yours to yourself.
14) Some people should not be allowed the privilege of being naked.
15) Everyone is allowed to be right at least once. Some people are just hogging the privilege.
16) Unless you’re Gandhi or Jesus, you are not perfect.
17) Accept other people’s mistakes. We all make them.
18) Anyone who won’t kiss you after you have given them oral sex is not worth keeping.
19) Everyone has at least one fetish. Find yours and have fun with it.
20) Ignorance is curable. Stupid is permanent.
21) Be careful! Stupid people are everywhere. And they’re multiplying.
22) No matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough for some people.
23) Take your time. Do a job the right way once.
24) Mental instability is no excuse for ignorance.
25) The rules are for everyone. Be an individual somewhere else.
26) Everyone loves a contortionist.
27) Breasts are a universal language we all love.
28) Flattery will get you everywhere (in the South).
29) A man who wears many hats is covering up something. Usually a bald spot.
30) Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Unless you’re into watersports.
31) If you continue to pass the buck, you will end up with it again.
32) Sports clichés are never to be used as sexual euphemisms.
33) People only have one thing in common. We breathe.
34) There is a karma fairy. Try your best not to piss her off.
35) If you stole your philosophy on life from a fictional character. You need to get out more.
36) Grace and elegance are usually used on the wrong people.
37) Common sense and common courtesy are not just turns of phrase.
38) If you smile at someone else’s pain that is okay. Laughing makes you cruel.
39) Jealousy is a waste of energy.
40) Be comfortable with yourself, because masturbation will someday be an olympic sport.
41) Be nice to children. They get to pick your retirement plan.
42) Everything has a place. Put it back where you found it. And if that’s my wallet stand still while I kick your ass!
43) Words are very powerful things. A single comment can be the equivalent of a punch in the gut or a good long hug.
44) Queers go to bars. Dykes have house parties.
45) If you know what you want, be assertive yet kind. It’s a hard line to tread, but you will be satisfied.
46) Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes you get exactly what you asked for.
47) Be polite. Trim below the waist line.
48- If you want an honest opinion, ask a stranger.
49- Never underestimate the power of control-top pantyhose.
50- Life is always more interesting from the bottom of a bottle.
51-(more of a statement) R-But you hate people. D-But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?
52- Once you are addicted to something you are always addicted. The times between using just get further apart.
53- Sometimes not showing up, is showing up.
54- Murphy’s Law can come into effect at any time. As many times a day as it wants to. Be prepared.
55- The men who say they need a manual to understand woman, need that pill for adult ADD.
56- Be judgmental in your own head. I don’t have time for hate.
57- No one appreciates a drunken phone call at two in the morning. Especially one of your exes.
58- The ability to amuse yourself is a lost art.
59- We all live in glass houses. Keep the stones as far away as you can.
60- Never plan anything. Always improvise.
61- Cheesecake + Beer + Football= White Trash Paradise
62- In a pinch use what you got. Some of the most creative moments come when you have nothing.
63- If you can’t say something nice. Join the group. Membership has it’s rewards.
64- You’re parents have to love you by law. I have a car and deadly weapons at my disposal. And I don’t!
65- Go with your gut. That rumbling is not always a sign that you’re hungry
66- Absolutely under no circumstances should you ask a cranky woman if it is that time of the month.
67- Never trust anyone who speaks in sports metaphors and wears a tie to work.
68- Talking out of your ass will get a shoe lodged in there.
69- The person who doesn’t think about sex, is dead.
70- Opinions are like assholes. Most of them are awful.
71- If you are what you eat. That explains the current state of physical fitness in this country
72- Certain things don’t mix well. Keep them separate.
73- Jalapenos + Ulcer = A bottle of Maalox
74- Silence is golden, now take your hand off the baby’s mouth.
75- Tryptophan does not make you sleepy. It just makes you lose your attention span to the point where only sleep will cure the effects.
76- Know your role, and shut your mouth!
77- If you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.
78- The ability to find your bathroom in the dark is a skill that should be a college elective.
79- God always listens. Especially when you’re adrenaline is pumping.
80- Christmas is for children. This does not give you license to act like one.
81- If you ever need a pick me up, think of the people you didn’t marry.
82- Hope is what keeps us alive.
83- I’ll forget what you said if you do the same for me!
84- Hating someone for the color of their skin is no better than hating a retard for not being able to do long division.
85- Farting in public is not entertainment. Snicker about it in the bathroom.
86- Diversify thy self and you will be happy being your own friend
87- Dress size appropriate or we will mock you.
88- You know it’s gonna be a good day when you start drinking before noon?
89- Lighten up. Your ulcers will thank you.
90- The deepest emotional wounds we receive, are self- inflicted.
91- Memory Lane is a two way street. Take a stroll but don’t forget to come back.
92- There is no right answer a man can give a hormonal woman. Just wrong and even more wrong.
93- If you can’t laugh at yourself. Do it behind the deaf guys back.
94- True insight comes from within.
95- If it was ugly at the garage sale. Nothing will change once you get it home.
96- Remember he was mine first. Don’t hurt him too bad.
97- When you get lost open your eyes and enjoy where you are for a moment. Because guaranteed you’ve never been there before.
98- One night stands should come with instant litigation
99- Hormones are the number one cause of weight gain
100- A good night’s sleep will fix almost anything.
101- Truth is often misheard as cynicism
102- The person who drinks alone is looking for something. Usually a friend. Go over and be friendly.
103- The most idiotic thing to worry about is money. They print more every day.
104- Time makes fools of us all
105- FOUR MONTHS!!! Is she insane!
106- You can force me to work long hours, but you can’t make me like it.
107- There are times in life we all just want to be left alone
108- Some children should come with custom fitted gags and restraints.
109- The two most insecure creatures on the planet are a newly shaved animal and a man
110-If a brilliant man is a rose. That must make me crab grass.
111- Never complain about a meal you didn’t have to cook.
112- If you have a story stuck inside you, let the world know. Any way you can.
113- A promise made while intoxicated is automatically null and void.
114- Life is mostly attitude and timing
115- The rest comes down to weddings, death and fear.-Amy Ray
116- Republicans fine if you’re a multi-millionaire. Democrats great if all you own is what you wear.- Frank Zappa
117- People who practice yoga just want to be able to kiss their own ass.
118- Faster horses. Younger (wo)men. Older whiskey and more money.-Tom T Hall
119- Take a vacation from your cell phone. It will improve your mood.
120- The second time around is never the same.
121- There is a difference between saying something and having something to say.- John Christopher Davis
122- It’s a buyers market when you sell your soul.
123- It’s all downhill when you start pining for the past.
124- How to destroy a kitchen...Mix two mentally ill people and a gas stove. Sell popcorn.
125- The person afraid of life, doesn’t ever really live.
126- Pain is a daily thing. Learn to embrace it.
127- A wise man is aware of how little he knows.
128- Screams and whispers are not effective communication.
129- Be thankful for all the things you DON’T have.
130- Speed up. Slow down. Or get out of the way!
131- If it seems too good to be true. It is!
132- Infinite patience always runs out at some point.
133- Certain things can not be avoided.
134- Grin and bear it.
135- An avoider is a good distraction.
136- An intelligent person talks through a problem. A wise person listens until the solution becomes clear.
137- If you try and cut off a semi truck, they will win.
138- Give people the opportunity to surprise you.
139- We try and simplify the complicated and complicate the simple.
140- When you know it is a bad day don’t try and turn it around. Just ride it out.
141- Just because you know what it means doesn’t mean you know how to spell it.
142- Being a fool is one thing. Not knowing you’re a fool is uncalled for.
143- Yes! Size does matter.
144- The dead bolt. Man’s first instant pain reliever.
145- Play with a mans mind and you’ll get your hands dirty.
146- Play with a woman’s heart and you’ll get cut.
147- Everyone has a price.
148- A pat on the back is only six inches from a kick in the pants.- Bobby Heenan
149- When you have nothing, there is nothing to lose.
150- Treats are supposed to be good things.
151- Do no harm!!!!
152- No one has ever been hurt without a reason.
153- When life gives you lemons, do like the Italians. Make liqueur.
154- A good cry is sometimes the only remedy.
155- If you are not going to be helpful, f*&k off!
156- Highlighting your hair is not always a good idea.
157- If it tastes good.......F*ck it! Eat it anyway.
158- There is a reason you only get one opportunity at most things.
159- Chipper people suck. Often, too .That’s why they act like that.
160- My truck is paid for and I need a new one. Don’t make me hit you.
161- I’m mostly evil with a side of cheesecake.
162- Time to pull out the sweatpants. Is never a phrase you want to hear your lover say. Unless it’s Thanksgiving.
163- Murphy’s Law hates me!
164- If you have nothing to complain about give me the rest of those valium!
165- The only thing that stays the same is change.
166- Love isn’t love until you give it away.- John Christopher Davis
167- If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I’d be doing it.- Radney Foster
168- I have found my center. It wants Pop Tarts!
169- Never fool yourself into thinking you have the answers.
170- The trick is living without an answer...........I think.
171- Love is holding on to the one person who finds your faults adorable.
172- Grace is not a learned attribute. It is thrust upon us with our failures.
173- Love is the only thing that defeats hate.
174- Those with no sense of direction are doomed to a life of adventure.
175- Acupuncturists’ should not be named Dave
176- Failure is inevitable.
177- Laze is making clearing out the TiVo, an all day task.
178- Only the curious have something to find.
179- The difference between men and boys, is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.- Guy Clark
180- If we all spent more time worrying about our own business, we wouldn’t have any time to meddle in other peoples.- Hank Williams Sr.
181- Faith is tested on a daily basis. Remember to recharge your faith with prayer.
182- Pathetic= Two people begging for the same thing from each other
183- Pain is pleasure, if it’s all you know.- Carter Albrecht
185- Honor does not pay by the hour.
186- You can paint stripes on a billygoat and call it a tiger if that floats your boat. And we will let you. Snickering behind your back while we let you.- Dallas Wayne
187- If you trust a man at his word alone, that puts two more fools in the pile.
188- Food should be edible.
189- Naked= No clothes. Nekid= Naked with trouble in mind. Butt Nekid= Nekid and having lots of fun doing it.- Mark David Manders
190- Some people are always looking for new kinds of mistakes to make.
191- The less a man has to say, the more words he uses saying it.
192- Stating the obvious is a poor substitute for flattery.
193- A fool never sees what they miss. The wise never miss what the fools don’t see.
194- It’s not the cards you are dealt. It’s how you play your hand.- Radney Foster
195- The cure should never be worse than the disease.
196- If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
197- Once an addict. Always an addict.
198- The only problem a gun ever solved would be that pesky thing we call breathing.
199- Toys are always more fun to play with if they are not yours.
200- Laugh with the sinners or cry with the saints. You can’t do both.- Billy Joel
201- Parental choices are made by little people’s voices.
202- Dressing up some people is like putting mag wheels on a dump truck.
203- There is an endless line of assholes. Aim to be in the other queue.
204- Tragedy will always bring people closer.
205- Regrets are mistakes come back to haunt you.
206- Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey.- Jerry Jeff Walker
207- Measure twice, cut once.
208- There are many things more binding than sex. They last longer, too.- Armistead Maupin
209- Verbal fraud is worse than monetary fraud.
210- Truth is always patient.
211- Love and death are the only two forces in the universe that do not discriminate.
212- Wisdom is born from despair.
213- There is no known fully effective cure for a broken heart.
214- Failure is always an option.
215- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
216- Experience and expertise have little to do with each other.
217- If it aint broke, don’t fix it.
218- Know your limits.
219- Never give up.
220- When a mirror is held up to our lives, rarely are we content with what we see.
221- Some times the only thing you can count on, is your fingers- Merle Haggard
222- Passion is half impossibility.- Susan Werner
223- The more you exercise the muscle between your ears. The less you have to work the muscles attached to your spine.- Delbert McClinton
224- Forgiveness always has a price.
225- Arrogance and ignorance are often a lethal combination.
226- Don’t let the hate around you make you hateful.- Bayard Rustin
227- Grief and pain make you forget the rules we are expected to play by.
228- Bitch a little. It will make you feel better.
229- When you try and produce for the masses you homogenize to the point of lacking uniqueness.
230- We must first be civil to ourselves and others before we can expect the same treatment form others.
231- For every action there is an equal reaction.
232- To forgive is easy. Forgetting is sometimes impossible.
233- To be human is to be a voyeur.
234- Facts do not care what you think of them.
235- Violence can not do away with violence.
236- Faith is constantly in flux.
237- Emotional pain is always more excruciating than any kind of physical pain.
238- Of all the mistakes we have made, the biggest are yet to come.
239: Only in suffering do we recognize beauty- Proust
240- When you are in the gutter (physically, emotionally, or financially) never forget to look up at the stars. The best view is usual from there.-(bastardized) Oscar Wilde
241- Pushing your luck does not count as exercise. - Willie Nelson
242- Put as much of yourself into everything you can. -Selena Martinez
243- Refuse to sit through something awful twice. - Cassy Nova
244- Don’t give your money to a bitch that is gonna waste it. - Kelexis Davenport
245- Fuck them bitches if it makes you happy and they don’t get it! - Whitney Paige.
246- Own it!- Edna Jean Robinson
247- Support the people you love and adore- Onyx.
248- Planting seeds of love will benefit everyone who gets joy from the flowers they produce.- Valerie Lohr
249- Some kinds of ugly can not be fixed by anything. - Candi Carroll
250- Responsibility does not stop in the bedroom or on the highway. It is something you should factor into everything you do. At all times everyday! - The Queen of The Rose Room Ms Donna Day
251- I love an audience, it enhances the humiliation.
252- The things that impact your life the most are usually accidental.
253- It is easier to change the world with quality baked goods than it is with laws.
254- People always have opinions and advice for the loser.
255- Healthy relationships are held together by the little things that don't happen.
256- Everyone does charity for selfish reasons. Usually to clear their conscience.
257- One mans convict is another mans brother.
258- Philosophy is bullshit spouted by naive young men and old men with nothing better to say.
259- When you're a child the only thing you need to visit exotic locales is a good imagination. When you get older it requires credit cards.
260- Love makes hunters of us all
261- Why hate when there is so much more to love?
262- Cheating to win is a sure sign of cowardice and lack of talent.
263- Spare the rod and the whole world will want to beat your child for you.
264- Boys are vexing creatures
265- A touch of class equals a pound of pretentiousness.
266- Before you react to what someone has to say, always consider the source.
267- Shit happens! Deal with it the best way you can.
268- The search for roots is for people unsure of their place
269- Everybody needs to grow up and leave home at some point, but sometimes home doesn't like it.
270- Want what you want but don't want what you can't have. - Me
271- There is a sucker born every second. - PT Barnum
272- When people need love and understanding the most is usually when they deserve it the least- Lou Holtz
273- Peace is often the absence of justice. - Jesse Jackson
274- If you ever expect to win you must first refuse to loose. - Rich Brooks
275- There are very few things in life worth being afraid of. – Me
276- Even if only temporary, all problems have a simple solution. – Me
277- The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a nap every day. –Me
278- Adversity, not necessity is the mother of invention.
279- Unless you want to lose your S.O., never refer to them as your 'any port in a storm'. – Dan Savage
280- Only the ignorant can truly be blissful.
281- Simple pleasures keep people from shooting each other.
282- Wrong actions done for the right reason are still wrong.
283- Anger and hate are jealousy's shadows.
284- In the end everyone gets exactly what they deserve.
285- Proper Grammar is a privilege not a right.
286- Truth is a beautiful and terrible thing. It should therefore be treated with extreme caution.
287- We are shaped not by genetics or a tyrannical feudal system but by the obstacles and prejudices we must overcome
288- Always make a memorable entrance.
289- The guy with the most clothes on is usually in charge.
290- Ability and potential can only get you so far.
291- The proper attitude is what gets your foot in the door.
292- To be the man. You have to beat the man.(Wooooooooo!!!!!)
293- The right look with no talent will not guarantee you employment
294- The good (usually)die young
295- The smallest guy in the fight is usually the most talented but for some reason labeled the underdog.
296- Size is simply a number.
297- Never let anything (including plane crashes, back surgery, and broken necks) stand in the way of your passion.
298- Bringing your kids to work is a bad idea.
299- Eventually EVERYBODY has to pay the piper
300- If you have talent, ability, and a good attitude you can work for as long as you want.
301- Never underestimate a wiley veteran
302- If you are not doing everything you can to win, including bending the rules, you aren’t trying hard enough.
303- All facts are useful. It's just the context that shifts
304- Labels are for cans not people
305- Reality. It's not for everyone!
306- Knowledge = Fear
308- "The problem with Mexico is that everything is in Spanish."- Latina Gym Bunny
309- When you try to take something you couldn't afford if it was free, you'll get burned like stealing electricity.- Tom Russell
310- Homosexuality is natural. Religion is completely man made.
311- Folk Singers know nothing about swinging hammers
312- Hope lies in bravery
313-Happiness should always be random
314- People with 'types' usually don't have anyone
315- Stress is 90% of how you deal with life
316- The character of a person is truly revealed on their fourth try. -James A Michner
317- Happiness is usually found when not perusing it.- Madame Wu
318- Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.
319- Never work with children, puppies, or bulimics
320- Raising your voice is the next best thing to actually being right.
321- Never question love. Some of the strangest combinations are often the deepest bonds.
322- There is nothing to loose if you give it away.
323- It is always better to be loved than feared.
324- If you are indispensable, you are also unpromotable.
325- Adventure requires lubrication because as rational people we would never do sober what we would most certainly do after a few drinks.
326- Victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
327- The people who make us happy are rarely the ones other people would expect.
328- Bran Flakes and two cups of coffee make for an explosive morning.
329- Violence only brings temporary relief from hopelessness
330- (Lifted from Suz) You should have to be old enough to fight and die for your country before being allowed purple grape juice or any other stain causing beverage.
331- The tragically hip will always have to explain themselves to those who are not.
332- When you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras.
333- For someone to be successful they must be the master of their fate and the captain of their soul.- Nelson Mandella
334- Sometimes questions are a danger to you and a burden to others.
335- Nothing says love like a homemade gift. UNfortunately nothing says cheapskate like a homemade gift either. It depends on your age and crafting abilities.- Tim Gunn
336- No force of nature or act of god can match the power of a mothers love.
337- Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
338- The thing about 'Trial by Fire' is it has two outcomes. Success or burn victim.
339- Anything is possible. It’s explaining that’s the tricky part.
340- There are many things worth killing for. Jewels, vengeance, Father O’Malleys weed wacker. There is only one thing worth dying for.
341- There are no such things as inappropriate questions, just people who are easily offended.
342- Used to be , are the three saddest words when put next to each other.
343- Dogs are creatures designed for people with boundless energy, endless patience and optimistic outlooks.
344- Cats are creatures that play soccer well and warm feet.
345- Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer.- John the Baptist
346- Wal*Mart where social decorum goes to die.
347- Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
348- Have courage for the great struggles of life and patience for the small ones.- Victor Hugo
349- Marketing is not about what it is. It’s all about what it can be made to look like.
350- May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again may you be blessed.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Just a Friendly Reminder
The friday happiness is intended to be just that. A collection of videos that should brighten your day and help you make it to your weekend. This post has evil intentions. Evil is being harsh. Let's just say intentions for my male readers. Valentines Day is rapidly approaching. For my gay readers Steak and a BJ Day can be substituted.
Here we go:
My favorite Tammy Wynette song. I have heard a ton of covers of this particular tune. Some good in the case of Solomon Burke. Most bad. This song is what real love is all about.
Lets move into the twentieth century. This is one of the many overlooked ballads by Jamiroquai. A quick warning, you may want to tape your foot to the floor.
I love this version of this song. The tragedy is ironic.One might even say palpable. Above and beyond that these are two of the most underrated voices in history. The song starts at 1:40
If that didn't melt your heart and get you to thinking about romantical thoughts for Feb 14th, this will.
I know that I am breaking my own rules because that is the last video. So I will leave you with this anecdote and try harder next week. Was talking with a friend at work about the biggest cinematic surprises we had witnessed. He said American Splendor. I gave him that. He is a former drama teacher and I a former drama student so we have similar tastes. We discussed his reasons and they were all valid. With baited nicotine breath he awaited my response. I honestly searched for a video to go with this. The monologue at the end of Dazed and Confused. I liked the movie just fine. The words will stay with me for a lifetime and may be a life lesson.
"Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place."
Those words may not mean much to you but it's how I try and live. I have dreams and they will be fulfilled. Until that day all I can do is give it my all and have as much fun as is legally possible. You do the same.
Next post I should have 350, that's right kids 350 Life Lessons. My plan is to post the whole list and decide whether to continue the list.
Kisses
Dan
Here we go:
My favorite Tammy Wynette song. I have heard a ton of covers of this particular tune. Some good in the case of Solomon Burke. Most bad. This song is what real love is all about.
Lets move into the twentieth century. This is one of the many overlooked ballads by Jamiroquai. A quick warning, you may want to tape your foot to the floor.
I love this version of this song. The tragedy is ironic.One might even say palpable. Above and beyond that these are two of the most underrated voices in history. The song starts at 1:40
If that didn't melt your heart and get you to thinking about romantical thoughts for Feb 14th, this will.
I know that I am breaking my own rules because that is the last video. So I will leave you with this anecdote and try harder next week. Was talking with a friend at work about the biggest cinematic surprises we had witnessed. He said American Splendor. I gave him that. He is a former drama teacher and I a former drama student so we have similar tastes. We discussed his reasons and they were all valid. With baited nicotine breath he awaited my response. I honestly searched for a video to go with this. The monologue at the end of Dazed and Confused. I liked the movie just fine. The words will stay with me for a lifetime and may be a life lesson.
"Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place."
Those words may not mean much to you but it's how I try and live. I have dreams and they will be fulfilled. Until that day all I can do is give it my all and have as much fun as is legally possible. You do the same.
Next post I should have 350, that's right kids 350 Life Lessons. My plan is to post the whole list and decide whether to continue the list.
Kisses
Dan
Monday, January 4, 2010
Talking Out of Turn
Went back and answered some comments and re-read my decade ending post. I left out a bunch of information. Not just for the reasons previously stated. This made me realize that I might be in trouble. I have grabbed my shovel and can hopefully dig my way out of this.
I try not to mention or even type about relationships. Over the years I have developed the same hard and fast rule that Dennis Leary mentioned in his brilliant1997 special Lock and Load. In a year I can talk to complete strangers about my relationship for a grand total of five minutes. Why? Because I would like to get laid again sometime this decade and my better half has some semblance of shame. I obviously do not.
I was trying to follow my own rules by talking about where I have been in terms of relationships but not talk about my relationship. I am not dating Joe. Nor am I dating Neiman or any of the various characters that followed. Just Jesse. Perfectly happy with just the one I have now. I say all that so that I can move on to other business.
New Years Eve. This is not an apology for I do not feel shame or sorrow in my actions. This is merely an explanation. I had plans for NYE. My plan was to fulfill my commitments. I was going to play yahtzee with the girls and go to the casa. Then we had unforeseen circumstances. Like in-climate weather, you are never sure what effect if any it will have until it happens. My brothers father-in-law passed away Dec 28th. While such a relation may seem insignificant to some I saw him as much as I saw any of my extended family. He was the kind of person who lit up a room with a smile. His zest for life and all it had to offer inspired others to be better people. His funeral service was New Years Eve. I have been fighting off a head cold for about two weeks now. Between the physical and emotional strain I was drained. The reminiscing session we had made my mind up for me. I needed to be with the family that night. I am sorry I did not call anyone. I did not see the ball drop. Nor did I kiss anyone at midnight. My NYE was spent with family remembering a great man. I do not feel sorry for what I did just how I went about it.
Was talking with a friend to prepare this post. We came to the conclusion that only in the south do we have many ways to say we misspoke. Talking out of/after church, Talking out of school, Putting one's foot in one's mouth, Stepping in it/shit, and so on.
Now that my Texans are out of the playoffs. At least we had our first winning season. I am 100% behind the Cowboys. It just turned my stomach to watch any of the Cincinnati game last night. Our entire season rested in the hands of a guy who changed his last name from Johnson to Ochocinco. Should have known what our fate would be.
For some reason my sex life interests people. I try and tell them that mine is no different than yours. That's a lie. The married women I work with were talking about their freebie. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. At times I have to play dumb, because I don't get a freebie. As a gay man I get thirty or so. I would like to introduce you to my future ex-husband. I will explain that joke in a second.
And he's Scottish. That accent makes my knees turn to warm butter every time. Years ago Suzanne and I were talking about movies and she said that Kevin Smith was her future ex-husband. She went on to explain that because of his self-medicating and liberal leanings the marriage was sure not to last. That and she was saving herself for Bret Favre. I have a whole pile of men I would love to test drive. My current commitments makes them slightly off limits.
We have a theme for the happiness. Be sure to tune in friday.
Kisses
Dan
I try not to mention or even type about relationships. Over the years I have developed the same hard and fast rule that Dennis Leary mentioned in his brilliant1997 special Lock and Load. In a year I can talk to complete strangers about my relationship for a grand total of five minutes. Why? Because I would like to get laid again sometime this decade and my better half has some semblance of shame. I obviously do not.
I was trying to follow my own rules by talking about where I have been in terms of relationships but not talk about my relationship. I am not dating Joe. Nor am I dating Neiman or any of the various characters that followed. Just Jesse. Perfectly happy with just the one I have now. I say all that so that I can move on to other business.
New Years Eve. This is not an apology for I do not feel shame or sorrow in my actions. This is merely an explanation. I had plans for NYE. My plan was to fulfill my commitments. I was going to play yahtzee with the girls and go to the casa. Then we had unforeseen circumstances. Like in-climate weather, you are never sure what effect if any it will have until it happens. My brothers father-in-law passed away Dec 28th. While such a relation may seem insignificant to some I saw him as much as I saw any of my extended family. He was the kind of person who lit up a room with a smile. His zest for life and all it had to offer inspired others to be better people. His funeral service was New Years Eve. I have been fighting off a head cold for about two weeks now. Between the physical and emotional strain I was drained. The reminiscing session we had made my mind up for me. I needed to be with the family that night. I am sorry I did not call anyone. I did not see the ball drop. Nor did I kiss anyone at midnight. My NYE was spent with family remembering a great man. I do not feel sorry for what I did just how I went about it.
Was talking with a friend to prepare this post. We came to the conclusion that only in the south do we have many ways to say we misspoke. Talking out of/after church, Talking out of school, Putting one's foot in one's mouth, Stepping in it/shit, and so on.
Now that my Texans are out of the playoffs. At least we had our first winning season. I am 100% behind the Cowboys. It just turned my stomach to watch any of the Cincinnati game last night. Our entire season rested in the hands of a guy who changed his last name from Johnson to Ochocinco. Should have known what our fate would be.
For some reason my sex life interests people. I try and tell them that mine is no different than yours. That's a lie. The married women I work with were talking about their freebie. I am not unfamiliar with this concept. At times I have to play dumb, because I don't get a freebie. As a gay man I get thirty or so. I would like to introduce you to my future ex-husband. I will explain that joke in a second.
And he's Scottish. That accent makes my knees turn to warm butter every time. Years ago Suzanne and I were talking about movies and she said that Kevin Smith was her future ex-husband. She went on to explain that because of his self-medicating and liberal leanings the marriage was sure not to last. That and she was saving herself for Bret Favre. I have a whole pile of men I would love to test drive. My current commitments makes them slightly off limits.
We have a theme for the happiness. Be sure to tune in friday.
Kisses
Dan
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