I Would Like Everyone To Be Civil Unioned

Before I post the list let's talk about marriage. Was sitting in the break room staurday minding my business. We have a lawn and garden associate who never got out of that teenage girl phase. What I mean by that is she thinks if she stops talking she may die. Sitting across the table from one of our produce associates. This girl is very feminine despite the lesbian haircut and the lesbian earrings. I know she is a dyke and we try and talk in code. The lawn and garden associate just starts babbling about gay marriage and religion. Her opinion doesn't hold water. You can't just say you support it in front of the gay people without a reason.

I glanced over at the produce associate and smirked. She looked horrified. Myself I don't care if everybody knows but she is still young and cares what other people think. "Here's the thing, marriage is defined as a religious ceremony wherein a father sells off his daughter with a binding legal contract. I don't want to get married. I don't want to be sold to anyone. I just want the same rights that go with that contract. I would actually prefer it if people stopped calling it marriage. Civil Union or just a union is fine by me."

That got the lawn and garden girl off of gay marriage and ranting about how chauvinistic marriage is. If the gay marriage argument leads to this argument I can handle that.

Are you ready?



I said ARE YOU READY?!?!?

Well too bad. A quick disclaimer. Please do not repost this. I have been accumulating this list for over thirteen years. If you start from the beginning and go to the end you can see the maturation of a human male. Anyhow, enjoy and bon appetite

Life Lessons
Life Lessons:
0) If there is an easy way to do something, do it that way.
1) If it smells like feces and looks like feces. Get the hell out of the way before it hits the fan.
2) Always take the blame if it is your fault. It shows maturity.
3) If for some reason you can’t remember what city you’re in, put the beer down.
4) DPS officers have no known sense of humor.
5) When you can’t see over the dashboard. It’s time to stop driving.
6) Coffee does not sober up a drunk. EVER!
7) Playing Metallica at loud volumes around someone who is hung over gives them every right to disembowel you and call it justifiable homicide.
8) Smile and nod. Even if you don’t understand, it at least gives the illusion of consciousness.
9) There are no such things as yes and no answers. Everything has its own complexity.
10) Human sexuality will never be fully explained.
11) There is a way to push everyone’s buttons. Find it and do not abuse the power.
12) If the town has a Walmart and a Whataburger it automatically gets upgraded to city status, thus making it okay to stop and ask stupid questions.
13) To each his own. Just keep yours to yourself.
14) Some people should not be allowed the privilege of being naked.
15) Everyone is allowed to be right at least once. Some people are just hogging the privilege.
16) Unless you’re Gandhi or Jesus, you are not perfect.
17) Accept other people’s mistakes. We all make them.
18) Anyone who won’t kiss you after you have given them oral sex is not worth keeping.
19) Everyone has at least one fetish. Find yours and have fun with it.
20) Ignorance is curable. Stupid is permanent.
21) Be careful! Stupid people are everywhere. And they’re multiplying.
22) No matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough for some people.
23) Take your time. Do a job the right way once.
24) Mental instability is no excuse for ignorance.
25) The rules are for everyone. Be an individual somewhere else.
26) Everyone loves a contortionist.
27) Breasts are a universal language we all love.
28) Flattery will get you everywhere (in the South).
29) A man who wears many hats is covering up something. Usually a bald spot.
30) Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Unless you’re into watersports.
31) If you continue to pass the buck, you will end up with it again.
32) Sports clichés are never to be used as sexual euphemisms.
33) People only have one thing in common. We breathe.
34) There is a karma fairy. Try your best not to piss her off.
35) If you stole your philosophy on life from a fictional character. You need to get out more.
36) Grace and elegance are usually used on the wrong people.
37) Common sense and common courtesy are not just turns of phrase.
38) If you smile at someone else’s pain that is okay. Laughing makes you cruel.
39) Jealousy is a waste of energy.
40) Be comfortable with yourself, because masturbation will someday be an olympic sport.
41) Be nice to children. They get to pick your retirement plan.
42) Everything has a place. Put it back where you found it. And if that’s my wallet stand still while I kick your ass!
43) Words are very powerful things. A single comment can be the equivalent of a punch in the gut or a good long hug.
44) Queers go to bars. Dykes have house parties.
45) If you know what you want, be assertive yet kind. It’s a hard line to tread, but you will be satisfied.
46) Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes you get exactly what you asked for.
47) Be polite. Trim below the waist line.
48- If you want an honest opinion, ask a stranger.
49- Never underestimate the power of control-top pantyhose.
50- Life is always more interesting from the bottom of a bottle.
51-(more of a statement) R-But you hate people. D-But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?
52- Once you are addicted to something you are always addicted. The times between using just get further apart.
53- Sometimes not showing up, is showing up.
54- Murphy’s Law can come into effect at any time. As many times a day as it wants to. Be prepared.
55- The men who say they need a manual to understand woman, need that pill for adult ADD.
56- Be judgmental in your own head. I don’t have time for hate.
57- No one appreciates a drunken phone call at two in the morning. Especially one of your exes.
58- The ability to amuse yourself is a lost art.
59- We all live in glass houses. Keep the stones as far away as you can.
60- Never plan anything. Always improvise.
61- Cheesecake + Beer + Football= White Trash Paradise
62- In a pinch use what you got. Some of the most creative moments come when you have nothing.
63- If you can’t say something nice. Join the group. Membership has it’s rewards.
64- You’re parents have to love you by law. I have a car and deadly weapons at my disposal. And I don’t!
65- Go with your gut. That rumbling is not always a sign that you’re hungry
66- Absolutely under no circumstances should you ask a cranky woman if it is that time of the month.
67- Never trust anyone who speaks in sports metaphors and wears a tie to work.
68- Talking out of your ass will get a shoe lodged in there.
69- The person who doesn’t think about sex, is dead.
70- Opinions are like assholes. Most of them are awful.
71- If you are what you eat. That explains the current state of physical fitness in this country
72- Certain things don’t mix well. Keep them separate.
73- Jalapenos + Ulcer = A bottle of Maalox
74- Silence is golden, now take your hand off the baby’s mouth.
75- Tryptophan does not make you sleepy. It just makes you lose your attention span to the point where only sleep will cure the effects.
76- Know your role, and shut your mouth!
77- If you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.
78- The ability to find your bathroom in the dark is a skill that should be a college elective.
79- God always listens. Especially when you’re adrenaline is pumping.
80- Christmas is for children. This does not give you license to act like one.
81- If you ever need a pick me up, think of the people you didn’t marry.
82- Hope is what keeps us alive.
83- I’ll forget what you said if you do the same for me!
84- Hating someone for the color of their skin is no better than hating a retard for not being able to do long division.
85- Farting in public is not entertainment. Snicker about it in the bathroom.
86- Diversify thy self and you will be happy being your own friend
87- Dress size appropriate or we will mock you.
88- You know it’s gonna be a good day when you start drinking before noon?
89- Lighten up. Your ulcers will thank you.
90- The deepest emotional wounds we receive, are self- inflicted.
91- Memory Lane is a two way street. Take a stroll but don’t forget to come back.
92- There is no right answer a man can give a hormonal woman. Just wrong and even more wrong.
93- If you can’t laugh at yourself. Do it behind the deaf guys back.
94- True insight comes from within.
95- If it was ugly at the garage sale. Nothing will change once you get it home.
96- Remember he was mine first. Don’t hurt him too bad.
97- When you get lost open your eyes and enjoy where you are for a moment. Because guaranteed you’ve never been there before.
98- One night stands should come with instant litigation
99- Hormones are the number one cause of weight gain
100- A good night’s sleep will fix almost anything.
101- Truth is often misheard as cynicism
102- The person who drinks alone is looking for something. Usually a friend. Go over and be friendly.
103- The most idiotic thing to worry about is money. They print more every day.
104- Time makes fools of us all
105- FOUR MONTHS!!! Is she insane!
106- You can force me to work long hours, but you can’t make me like it.
107- There are times in life we all just want to be left alone
108- Some children should come with custom fitted gags and restraints.
109- The two most insecure creatures on the planet are a newly shaved animal and a man
110-If a brilliant man is a rose. That must make me crab grass.
111- Never complain about a meal you didn’t have to cook.
112- If you have a story stuck inside you, let the world know. Any way you can.
113- A promise made while intoxicated is automatically null and void.
114- Life is mostly attitude and timing
115- The rest comes down to weddings, death and fear.-Amy Ray
116- Republicans fine if you’re a multi-millionaire. Democrats great if all you own is what you wear.- Frank Zappa
117- People who practice yoga just want to be able to kiss their own ass.
118- Faster horses. Younger (wo)men. Older whiskey and more money.-Tom T Hall
119- Take a vacation from your cell phone. It will improve your mood.
120- The second time around is never the same.
121- There is a difference between saying something and having something to say.- John Christopher Davis
122- It’s a buyers market when you sell your soul.
123- It’s all downhill when you start pining for the past.
124- How to destroy a kitchen...Mix two mentally ill people and a gas stove. Sell popcorn.
125- The person afraid of life, doesn’t ever really live.
126- Pain is a daily thing. Learn to embrace it.
127- A wise man is aware of how little he knows.
128- Screams and whispers are not effective communication.
129- Be thankful for all the things you DON’T have.
130- Speed up. Slow down. Or get out of the way!
131- If it seems too good to be true. It is!
132- Infinite patience always runs out at some point.
133- Certain things can not be avoided.
134- Grin and bear it.
135- An avoider is a good distraction.
136- An intelligent person talks through a problem. A wise person listens until the solution becomes clear.
137- If you try and cut off a semi truck, they will win.
138- Give people the opportunity to surprise you.
139- We try and simplify the complicated and complicate the simple.
140- When you know it is a bad day don’t try and turn it around. Just ride it out.
141- Just because you know what it means doesn’t mean you know how to spell it.
142- Being a fool is one thing. Not knowing you’re a fool is uncalled for.
143- Yes! Size does matter.
144- The dead bolt. Man’s first instant pain reliever.
145- Play with a mans mind and you’ll get your hands dirty.
146- Play with a woman’s heart and you’ll get cut.
147- Everyone has a price.
148- A pat on the back is only six inches from a kick in the pants.- Bobby Heenan
149- When you have nothing, there is nothing to lose.
150- Treats are supposed to be good things.
151- Do no harm!!!!
152- No one has ever been hurt without a reason.
153- When life gives you lemons, do like the Italians. Make liqueur.
154- A good cry is sometimes the only remedy.
155- If you are not going to be helpful, f*&k off!
156- Highlighting your hair is not always a good idea.
157- If it tastes good.......F*ck it! Eat it anyway.
158- There is a reason you only get one opportunity at most things.
159- Chipper people suck. Often, too .That’s why they act like that.
160- My truck is paid for and I need a new one. Don’t make me hit you.
161- I’m mostly evil with a side of cheesecake.
162- Time to pull out the sweatpants. Is never a phrase you want to hear your lover say. Unless it’s Thanksgiving.
163- Murphy’s Law hates me!
164- If you have nothing to complain about give me the rest of those valium!
165- The only thing that stays the same is change.
166- Love isn’t love until you give it away.- John Christopher Davis
167- If I knew what I was supposed to be doing, I’d be doing it.- Radney Foster
168- I have found my center. It wants Pop Tarts!
169- Never fool yourself into thinking you have the answers.
170- The trick is living without an answer...........I think.
171- Love is holding on to the one person who finds your faults adorable.
172- Grace is not a learned attribute. It is thrust upon us with our failures.
173- Love is the only thing that defeats hate.
174- Those with no sense of direction are doomed to a life of adventure.
175- Acupuncturists’ should not be named Dave
176- Failure is inevitable.
177- Laze is making clearing out the TiVo, an all day task.
178- Only the curious have something to find.
179- The difference between men and boys, is the size of their shoes and the price of their toys.- Guy Clark
180- If we all spent more time worrying about our own business, we wouldn’t have any time to meddle in other peoples.- Hank Williams Sr.
181- Faith is tested on a daily basis. Remember to recharge your faith with prayer.
182- Pathetic= Two people begging for the same thing from each other
183- Pain is pleasure, if it’s all you know.- Carter Albrecht
185- Honor does not pay by the hour.
186- You can paint stripes on a billygoat and call it a tiger if that floats your boat. And we will let you. Snickering behind your back while we let you.- Dallas Wayne
187- If you trust a man at his word alone, that puts two more fools in the pile.
188- Food should be edible.
189- Naked= No clothes. Nekid= Naked with trouble in mind. Butt Nekid= Nekid and having lots of fun doing it.- Mark David Manders
190- Some people are always looking for new kinds of mistakes to make.
191- The less a man has to say, the more words he uses saying it.
192- Stating the obvious is a poor substitute for flattery.
193- A fool never sees what they miss. The wise never miss what the fools don’t see.
194- It’s not the cards you are dealt. It’s how you play your hand.- Radney Foster
195- The cure should never be worse than the disease.
196- If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.
197- Once an addict. Always an addict.
198- The only problem a gun ever solved would be that pesky thing we call breathing.
199- Toys are always more fun to play with if they are not yours.
200- Laugh with the sinners or cry with the saints. You can’t do both.- Billy Joel
201- Parental choices are made by little people’s voices.
202- Dressing up some people is like putting mag wheels on a dump truck.
203- There is an endless line of assholes. Aim to be in the other queue.
204- Tragedy will always bring people closer.
205- Regrets are mistakes come back to haunt you.
206- Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey.- Jerry Jeff Walker
207- Measure twice, cut once.
208- There are many things more binding than sex. They last longer, too.- Armistead Maupin
209- Verbal fraud is worse than monetary fraud.
210- Truth is always patient.
211- Love and death are the only two forces in the universe that do not discriminate.
212- Wisdom is born from despair.
213- There is no known fully effective cure for a broken heart.
214- Failure is always an option.
215- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR
216- Experience and expertise have little to do with each other.
217- If it aint broke, don’t fix it.
218- Know your limits.
219- Never give up.
220- When a mirror is held up to our lives, rarely are we content with what we see.
221- Some times the only thing you can count on, is your fingers- Merle Haggard
222- Passion is half impossibility.- Susan Werner
223- The more you exercise the muscle between your ears. The less you have to work the muscles attached to your spine.- Delbert McClinton
224- Forgiveness always has a price.
225- Arrogance and ignorance are often a lethal combination.
226- Don’t let the hate around you make you hateful.- Bayard Rustin
227- Grief and pain make you forget the rules we are expected to play by.
228- Bitch a little. It will make you feel better.
229- When you try and produce for the masses you homogenize to the point of lacking uniqueness.
230- We must first be civil to ourselves and others before we can expect the same treatment form others.
231- For every action there is an equal reaction.
232- To forgive is easy. Forgetting is sometimes impossible.
233- To be human is to be a voyeur.
234- Facts do not care what you think of them.
235- Violence can not do away with violence.
236- Faith is constantly in flux.
237- Emotional pain is always more excruciating than any kind of physical pain.
238- Of all the mistakes we have made, the biggest are yet to come.
239: Only in suffering do we recognize beauty- Proust
240- When you are in the gutter (physically, emotionally, or financially) never forget to look up at the stars. The best view is usual from there.-(bastardized) Oscar Wilde
241- Pushing your luck does not count as exercise. - Willie Nelson
242- Put as much of yourself into everything you can. -Selena Martinez
243- Refuse to sit through something awful twice. - Cassy Nova
244- Don’t give your money to a bitch that is gonna waste it. - Kelexis Davenport
245- Fuck them bitches if it makes you happy and they don’t get it! - Whitney Paige.
246- Own it!- Edna Jean Robinson
247- Support the people you love and adore- Onyx.
248- Planting seeds of love will benefit everyone who gets joy from the flowers they produce.- Valerie Lohr
249- Some kinds of ugly can not be fixed by anything. - Candi Carroll
250- Responsibility does not stop in the bedroom or on the highway. It is something you should factor into everything you do. At all times everyday! - The Queen of The Rose Room Ms Donna Day
251- I love an audience, it enhances the humiliation.
252- The things that impact your life the most are usually accidental.
253- It is easier to change the world with quality baked goods than it is with laws.
254- People always have opinions and advice for the loser.
255- Healthy relationships are held together by the little things that don't happen.
256- Everyone does charity for selfish reasons. Usually to clear their conscience.
257- One mans convict is another mans brother.
258- Philosophy is bullshit spouted by naive young men and old men with nothing better to say.
259- When you're a child the only thing you need to visit exotic locales is a good imagination. When you get older it requires credit cards.
260- Love makes hunters of us all
261- Why hate when there is so much more to love?
262- Cheating to win is a sure sign of cowardice and lack of talent.
263- Spare the rod and the whole world will want to beat your child for you.
264- Boys are vexing creatures
265- A touch of class equals a pound of pretentiousness.
266- Before you react to what someone has to say, always consider the source.
267- Shit happens! Deal with it the best way you can.
268- The search for roots is for people unsure of their place
269- Everybody needs to grow up and leave home at some point, but sometimes home doesn't like it.
270- Want what you want but don't want what you can't have. - Me
271- There is a sucker born every second. - PT Barnum
272- When people need love and understanding the most is usually when they deserve it the least- Lou Holtz
273- Peace is often the absence of justice. - Jesse Jackson
274- If you ever expect to win you must first refuse to loose. - Rich Brooks

275- There are very few things in life worth being afraid of. – Me
276- Even if only temporary, all problems have a simple solution. – Me
277- The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a nap every day. –Me
278- Adversity, not necessity is the mother of invention.
279- Unless you want to lose your S.O., never refer to them as your 'any port in a storm'. – Dan Savage
280- Only the ignorant can truly be blissful.
281- Simple pleasures keep people from shooting each other.
282- Wrong actions done for the right reason are still wrong.
283- Anger and hate are jealousy's shadows.
284- In the end everyone gets exactly what they deserve.
285- Proper Grammar is a privilege not a right.
286- Truth is a beautiful and terrible thing. It should therefore be treated with extreme caution.
287- We are shaped not by genetics or a tyrannical feudal system but by the obstacles and prejudices we must overcome
288- Always make a memorable entrance.

289- The guy with the most clothes on is usually in charge.
290- Ability and potential can only get you so far.

291- The proper attitude is what gets your foot in the door.
292- To be the man. You have to beat the man.(Wooooooooo!!!!!)

293- The right look with no talent will not guarantee you employment

294- The good (usually)die young

295- The smallest guy in the fight is usually the most talented but for some reason labeled the underdog.

296- Size is simply a number.

297- Never let anything (including plane crashes, back surgery, and broken necks) stand in the way of your passion.

298- Bringing your kids to work is a bad idea.

299- Eventually EVERYBODY has to pay the piper

300- If you have talent, ability, and a good attitude you can work for as long as you want.
301- Never underestimate a wiley veteran
302- If you are not doing everything you can to win, including bending the rules, you aren’t trying hard enough.
303- All facts are useful. It's just the context that shifts
304- Labels are for cans not people
305- Reality. It's not for everyone!
306- Knowledge = Fear
308- "The problem with Mexico is that everything is in Spanish."- Latina Gym Bunny
309- When you try to take something you couldn't afford if it was free, you'll get burned like stealing electricity.- Tom Russell
310- Homosexuality is natural. Religion is completely man made.
311- Folk Singers know nothing about swinging hammers
312- Hope lies in bravery
313-Happiness should always be random
314- People with 'types' usually don't have anyone
315- Stress is 90% of how you deal with life
316- The character of a person is truly revealed on their fourth try. -James A Michner
317- Happiness is usually found when not perusing it.- Madame Wu
318- Alcoholic friends are as easy to make as Sea Monkeys.
319- Never work with children, puppies, or bulimics
320- Raising your voice is the next best thing to actually being right.
321- Never question love. Some of the strangest combinations are often the deepest bonds.
322- There is nothing to loose if you give it away.
323- It is always better to be loved than feared.
324- If you are indispensable, you are also unpromotable.
325- Adventure requires lubrication because as rational people we would never do sober what we would most certainly do after a few drinks.
326- Victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
327- The people who make us happy are rarely the ones other people would expect.
328- Bran Flakes and two cups of coffee make for an explosive morning.
329- Violence only brings temporary relief from hopelessness
330- (Lifted from Suz) You should have to be old enough to fight and die for your country before being allowed purple grape juice or any other stain causing beverage.
331- The tragically hip will always have to explain themselves to those who are not.
332- When you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras.
333- For someone to be successful they must be the master of their fate and the captain of their soul.- Nelson Mandella
334- Sometimes questions are a danger to you and a burden to others.
335- Nothing says love like a homemade gift. UNfortunately nothing says cheapskate like a homemade gift either. It depends on your age and crafting abilities.- Tim Gunn
336- No force of nature or act of god can match the power of a mothers love.
337- Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.
338- The thing about 'Trial by Fire' is it has two outcomes. Success or burn victim.
339- Anything is possible. It’s explaining that’s the tricky part.
340- There are many things worth killing for. Jewels, vengeance, Father O’Malleys weed wacker. There is only one thing worth dying for.
341- There are no such things as inappropriate questions, just people who are easily offended.
342- Used to be , are the three saddest words when put next to each other.
343- Dogs are creatures designed for people with boundless energy, endless patience and optimistic outlooks.
344- Cats are creatures that play soccer well and warm feet.
345- Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer.- John the Baptist
346- Wal*Mart where social decorum goes to die.
347- Men are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
348- Have courage for the great struggles of life and patience for the small ones.- Victor Hugo
349- Marketing is not about what it is. It’s all about what it can be made to look like.
350- May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and rain fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again may you be blessed.